Grab 'Em By The Pu-Pu Platter
When You're Famous, They Let You Appetize
A classic Hawaiian-Chinese appetizer assortment that arrived, unwanted, into the political lexicon in October 2016 via a hot mic on a bus. This pu-pu platter features teriyaki beef skewers, coconut shrimp, chicken wings, crab rangoon, and spare ribs — all served on a platter with a flaming centerpiece. The food is consensual. The conversation that inspired it was not.
Prep
40m
Cook
25m
Total
65m
Difficulty
Hard
Yield
8 servings
Scandal
Ingredients
The Hot Mic Teriyaki Skewers
The Access Assortment
The October Surprise Sides
Instructions
Marinate the sirloin cubes in soy sauce, brown sugar, sesame oil, garlic, and ginger for at least 30 minutes, or up to 2 hours. Thread onto soaked bamboo skewers, about 4 pieces per skewer. These are the headline items — they need time to develop their story.
Tip: The longer the marinade sits, the deeper it penetrates. Much like an audio recording sitting in an archive for eleven years.
Prepare the coconut shrimp: set up a breading station with flour in one dish, beaten eggs in the second, and a mixture of shredded coconut and panko in the third. Dredge each shrimp in flour, dip in egg, then press firmly into the coconut-panko mixture to coat. Set aside on a wire rack.
Tip: The three-step breading process is called the standard breading procedure. In political terms, it's called the deny-deflect-distract procedure.
Heat oil to 350 degrees F in a deep pot or fryer. Fry the coconut shrimp in batches for 2-3 minutes until golden brown. Fry the chicken wings for 10-12 minutes until cooked through and crispy. Drain all fried items on paper towels and toss the wings in your sauce of choice.
Tip: Fry in small batches. Overcrowding the oil drops the temperature and makes everything soggy — a metaphor for nothing, except overcrowded oil.
Grill or broil the teriyaki beef skewers on high heat for 2-3 minutes per side, brushing with extra marinade while cooking. The exterior should be caramelized and slightly charred. Warm the pre-cooked spare ribs in the oven at 375 degrees F for 10 minutes, glazing with extra hoisin.
Tip: A little char adds flavor. Too much char and you've destroyed the evidence. I mean the skewer.
Arrange everything on a large round platter or lazy Susan: skewers fanned on one section, coconut shrimp in another, wings in a pile, crab rangoon clustered together, and spare ribs along the edges. Place the Sterno can in the center and light it. Serve with small bowls of sweet chili sauce, hot mustard, and duck sauce.
Tip: The Sterno flame in the center should burn steadily throughout the meal, just like this story burned steadily through October 2016. It is decorative, not functional — also like the apology.
Nutrition Estimate
Calories
890
Fat
48g
Carbs
52g
Protein
58g
Fiber
3g
Sodium
1420mg
Nutrition estimates are approximate and may vary based on serving size, ingredient brands, and the current political climate. Not reviewed by the FDA or any regulatory body that still has funding.